Silence

They say silence is a virtue.
I would say it is cruel. Excruciatingly painful. Hurtful.

It is deafening.

Like the silent scream.

Never felt so alone.

This week

This week has been the longest .Ever.

This week has beeen the hardest.

Disconnected.

In a daze, barely functioning.

So... to sum up my week...

Stressful.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet.

Waving or drowning??

Have you ever been in a situation where something is so sad you just have to laugh or you will cry??
Excitement mixed with fear, anticipation inextricably linked to panic?

It is often said that a good artist before going on stage is slightly nervous in order to give of their best. So I feel right now.
I am fearful of the unknown yet excited at the very idea of a new start , a new beginning.
Change IS unsettling thats for sure. And stressful and challenging .But it can also be liberating and enabling and rewarding and YES!
Tears and tantrums, panic and worry will inevitably folllow , but as I step into this unknown unchartered water , I am carrying with me buckets of hope, of laughter, of a yearning for life. If we do not change, we die.
I believe I am about to be reborn.

Identity

'Leap of Faith' by Laurel Schwartz.

New start.
New chapter.
New beginning.
May I find the courage, the strength ,the desire and the will,to let go of my old life and embrace a new one.
To be given the chance to start again, and grab it with both hands.
In the process of emerging I am so scared of losing you.
Never leave me.
Walk beside me in my pain.
Journey as i journey ...... to find myself again.

New Life

I'm back. Its been a while. Not much has happened really - except me trying to organise an escape plan from this prison. I finally did it!! The relief was enormous! The possibility of 'life before death' to borrow Oxfam's phrase was going to be a reality!
So in real terms, what has that meant? Well we have put the house on the market. And had 'conversations' about the future. All good in terms of moving forward. So why do I feel so miserable? So completely wretched and weepy?? I think its the realisation of the finality of it all, even though its the only way forward. Its the grieving for the loss of a marriage a home and a family unit and grieving for security and stability , no matter how boring that was.
I can't sleep, I can't work , I eat only occasionally. Yet the rest of my family have accepted it brilliantly and not shown any outwould sign of struggling with this new life ahead. Ironic really.