Escaping

The plan was set, the details drawn up and every area covered.
The move was planned and the passports dusted off for the start of a new life and freedom.
Except in my life nothing goes to plan. In my life the powers that be decided that now was not the time to sell the house and move on. The plan fell apart and we are back to where we were. Going nowhere except to mad land, or bedlam or anywhere inside my head. But in reality nowhere .
The fact is I remain trapped in this non life. I have nothing to look forward to and just bath loads of pity from everyone.
I don't want pity, I just want to move on with my life. I can't do that . The only way to escape is by my own hand.

Positive Anchors

In the next few weeks my life will change forever.
I will be classed as a single mum.
I will learn how to change a plug, a light bulb, a fuse .
I will survive.
I need to fast forward to my new house and me happily enjoying the freedom it will bring.
I need to think of the goal and the future rather than dwell in the pain of getting there.
That way I will hopefully stay calm and not get overwhelmed by this process.
I also need to lean on my friends who will hopefully be there for me .

Friends

My best friend and I are no longer friends.
And I miss them.

There is a big hole in my life where they used to be,and it makes me sad.

Tonight my head and my heart are hurting.....

A New Life

Its really happening.
I have bought a house and have sold my old one.
I am finally moving on with my life alone.

It's a scary time but has to be done.

It's all very sad but in the end I hope we will all be better off.
I just can't stop the fear in my stomach.
But I have to turn the page.A new chapter in my life.
A fresh start.

learning

we learn every day.
Sometimes we learn just one thing new, other days loads more.

today I learnt a lot about language, myself, positive anchors, belief and goals.
Now my brain hurts.

Time lines

Have you ever made a timeline? When I first started work I was asked to predict where I wanted to be in 10 years and to draw my timeline. How I wish I had known what would be in store for me!!
Years have passed and now as a christian, I decided it would be good to do this again, and look in retrospect at my life and each event, good and bad, asking the question, “Where was God’s hand in this?” I was able to gain many beautiful insights of God’s guidance in my walk of faith.
When I thought about my life, the first really difficult time in my life that came to my mind was when my first husband left me. It was very much a low point for me. However, I realized that if I had not gone through that struggle, I might not have become a Christian. God in His awesome way allowed hardships in my life, so I could become who I am today. I’m glad God gave me clarity concerning that particular struggle. I look forward to the day that God gives me complete clarity about my life. I know I will be glad that I trusted Him and stayed obedient to His will.
What about you? Do you want clarity about some of the events that happened in your life? Part of knowing God more intimately is knowing who you are in Christ. The world needs to see who you are as a believer.I challenge you to make a timeline of your life. You can bring it before the Lord and ask Him to show you His hand in all the hard times and good times. God loves you, and He will match your heartache with His grace. Trust Him with your life

Attitude

I read this today and i think it makes a lot of sense.
'Early one morning, I stared into my wardrobe and wondered what I should wear? I was about to pull one of my nice shirts off of the hanger, but I thought better of it. I didn't want to waste a nice shirt on a day that was a "just-get-it-over-with" kind of day.
"Today is not special," I thought. "I should just wear jeans and a t-shirt."
I put on the jeans and t-shirt and inspected myself in the mirror. As I stared at my reflection, God nicely connected my outward attire to my attitude. I had a negative attitude towards this day. I wanted to hurry up and get it out of the way. I had already made up my mind that this day would be unimportant and absolutely no fun.I harbored that attitude a lot.
Although there is nothing wrong with wearing jeans and a t-shirt, God revealed an expectation and attitude I had about my days that needed to be readjusted. Every morning, I roll up my sleeves and plow through my day like a tractor on autopilot. I trudge along and miss most of the enjoyment because my expectations are low and my attitude is wrong.
Have you ever done that? Have you ever thought to yourself, "If only I could get through this day, life would be better"?
God is teaching me that I need to change my attitude and expect great things every day. God is the master weaver of our days, and He does not waste a single one. None of our days drop under His radar; He has a divine appointment for us each and every day!
I'm not saying that every day is going to be filled with rainbows and lollipops, but each day does serve a purpose. I think if we put our trust in God, we can find joy even in the hard times. God doesn't waste a single heartache, conflict or tragedy. He cares about us and our days, and He wants us to be blessed.
If you are a Christian, you have the ultimate portal to joy -- Jesus Christ! People are looking at us, and they are wondering why we are here on this earth. They want to see if Jesus makes a difference in our lives. They need to see our joy, especially during the mundane and hard times. If we start tapping into the joy that is within us, we would have joy every day, even when the circumstances are bleak! God wants us to rejoice every day: “This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118.24 NIV). Once we get good at opening that joy, we can start sharing it with those around us. We can pass out God's joy like it's going out of style, and people will praise God because of it! I am learning to put on a new attitude every morning, even if I still put on my jeans and t-shirt!

What about you? How can you give your attitude a new wardrobe?'
Alisa Hope Wagner.

I didn't think I could change the way my day went , but Alisa has taught me that I CAN - that embracing the day rather than dreading it, no matter what heartache you may be going through, is what God wants us to do. It isn't always easy to do , but its worth a try!!

Being aware

How many people sail through life unaware of the feelings of others?
Oblivious to the turmoil some are hiding beneath their layers of personna?
Some people are very private and do not want to share their pain or personal struggle with others.
Some have to share it in order to cope with their lot.

I pretend I am someone else every day at work.

I push friends away when they probe too much, telling them I am fine.
I have difficulty in opening my heart to share my story for fear the tears will never stop.
Or for fear that I will become too vulnerable to the friend I have shared with.

We are all dealing with our pain in different ways.
Its easier to share with a stranger I think.
They do not judge or offer advice or tell you how to lead your life or criticize.

If they don't know you they are simply walking with you in your journey .

Getting by

In life we are all 'getting by'.
I have set myself personal challenges and goals essential to survival and as a protection from getting hurt any more than I am.
This is in order to not only help me reach the end of every day but cope with life every day.
I have tried to focus on something bigger than me and my sadness today.
And for a whole hour it worked.
Although now I am back to feeling wobbly again.
And sad and grieving.
so i am going to try and stay busy to 'get by'.

God

Is God church or is church God?
Is faith for sharing or a crutch to lean on?
Is God only there in the pain or there in the smiles too?
How do we know God is bothered when we are suffering?

If I don't feel loved does that mean even God has given up on me too??

If I have been made by God for His purpose why oh why do I not know what His purpose for me is?

If God 'knew' me before I was even born why did I not find God until recently?

Why is it I can only ask these important questions to a computer and not to the person who may help me with these answers?

And where is God tonight when I need Him?

In a pickle

What does that phrase mean exactly??
I was in one anyway - and I got upset. Big time.
I have managed in the last few days , to alienate all of my close friends by either pushing them away or having a row with them. I long for their support but instead find pity.
I long for a listening ear but instead find advice and criticism.
I don't need a lecture, but I get one anyway.
All I want is someone to walk along side me in my pain and offer me love.
I don't feel loved at all.

Focus

Its not healthy to focus on ourselves and look inward all the time.

Feeling sorry for yourself does no good, it just makes you feel worse.

So today I tried focussing outward, on other things aside from my sitation.

I tried smiling a lot and others smiled back. I kept busy at work, and achievedd lots of sales.


And despite everything, I tried to be someone else for the day.

It helped.

I may try it again tomorrow.

Sharing

Sharing is always better. For the soul, for the heart and definitely for the mind.

Keeping things bottled up does no good at all.

It leads to stress and high blood pressure.

That's where a good friend comes in.

Someone who doesn't judge or criticize, just sits and listens.

And then hugs you tight.

She doesn't try and 'fix' things, or tell you off when the tears fall, but gently calms you down.

And I know that she will be there for me ,just as she was today.

So what's the point?

To life, the universe and all that.


We are each searching for answers and some are lucky enough to have company along the way. Our life journey is a lonely one and few are lucky enough to have a soul mate for life.

I look at some couples I know and wonder how they do it - how do they stay married for soooo long?

All I seem to do is bring unhappiness,to myself and others.

Without Hope

If we are living without hope , are we without God in our lives as He IS Hope?

No, sometimes life is hopeless. It is painful and sad and difficult and sometimes not worth living.

No one can take away the pain, its unique to our human condition.

But life does come at a price.Each time I am hurt by someone close, a little bit more of me dies.

Hope

In the depths of night when all I have are my tears, you weep too.

In the silence that ensues , when I am all out of weeping,you share my pain.

The black hole of despair draws me near and yet and yet you pull me back.

Love

God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love.

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.


Try and exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.

A guide to survival

Be an island.
Self sufficient, self contained, strong, powerful.

Its the only way.

Lonely, but less painful.

And Now?

I have no idea what the last 7 days have been about.
Except I am tired, really tired. Tired of crying, hurting, bleeding.
Life is hard sometimes. I didn't see this coming.
Not really.

And now??
I have no idea .
I feel I have lost everything, including my pride and self respect.
Thanks.


Dead again.
No rosy future for me.
No future full stop.
Nada.

Home

Home
That warm feeling when the familiar seems comforting and reassuring.
There is nowhere else quite like it.



Home is where the heart is. (as Zappa would say 'On the bus'!)

Sacrifice

I realized how hard it is to be a woman.
Well, a mum to be exact.
Men do not need to be anything other than a man, a husband and a work person.
A woman has to constantly redefine herself as the years pass by and her roles change.
A career woman has a role which is easy to play.
Once she becomes a mother, she inevitably has to juggle motherhood and career, often having to change the job she did in order to give more time for her child.
In my case, I gave up my job altogether and spent quality time with my child , who deserved all of my attention, given the huge fight he endured to stay in this world.

I don't regret a thing.
I just realize how hard it is to constantly face having to redefine ourselves .
Going back to work after so many years being a mum was never going to be easy.
But status and experience mean little when you have been out of the loop for so long.
The harsh reality of work means having to compromise. A low paid job, a lower grade job, a part time job, a local job, a boring mundane but pays the bills job.
A stressful badly paid, please get me out of here job.

Living with this new role is never easy.
Not when you were somebody and are now a nobody.
When you are having to start at the bottom again, and be comfortable in your own skin.
I am not - I have to escape and find something which is more meaningful and rewarding and if no better paid, at least is more worthwhile.

At my age, it is not going to be easy. And during a recession too??
My timing is rubbish.
Sacrifice.

Bring it on.

Escaping

This weekend I escaped!!
I needed space and me time and a rest from my hats and the day to day humdrum so escaped to the coast to visit my dad.
The weather was GLORIOUS and with my roof down in my little red convertable , and the wind in my hair, and the warm sun basking my face, I was recharged!
Why is it no matter what your mood, its IMPOSSIBLE to feel miserable when its sunny??
Try it.

Can't escape the sun to lift your mood and your soul and make you feel glad to be alive.
God wasn't so silly after all.

Special Days

Today is a special day.
It is 2 years since my mum died.
I had been sad all week leading up to today and found it hard to fight against very natural emotions.
But today I woke up and decided to enjoy my day.
To remember my mum with a smile not a tear, with a spot of shopping and self indulgent time for me. Just me. A day free of stress and pressure.
So I ventured into the village, spent time trying loads of dresses on and buying something 'different' , something unique - to remind me of mum.
Then I went into town and spent THREE HOURS !! having my hair stripped of red and dyed back to blonde.
The need to cry to order because it is the anniversary of my mums death is not compulsory.
I cry on ordinary days, just because I stop and remember her, because I still miss my mum so much.


Today however,I remembered her and smiled , feeling so very blessed that she was my mum.

Anniversaries

I have a friend who is very kind.
She remembers everything about my life, even when i don't.
She sends kind texts to tell me she is thinking of me on 'difficult days' , even when my day is not difficult.
So I have to search my brain to remember why certain days are 'difficult' and feel slightly guilty when I have slept through them or even enjoyed those 'special' days.

I got a text on Mother's Day.
I don't have a mum anymore so I think my friend thought it would be a 'difficult' day.
It wasn't because I was with family, enjoying my dad's birthday weekend.


This Saturday may well be a difficult day. I can feel the sadness mounting already in my heart and the tears building.

It will be 2 years since my mum died and it feels like yesterday.
I miss her laughter, her humour and her love.
I miss her sense of fun and her 'presence' in the world and in my life.
I miss her smell and elegance and her strength.

I miss being able to share things with her.
I miss her company.
Her hugs.
Her.

Emotions

I saw someone show despair today.
Frustration and anger and sorrow and real tears.
I felt useless as I witnessed the outpouring of sorrow, wanting to say something soothing but knowing I couldn't make it right.


Later I ended up in a similar place myself, for very different reasons..
Tears are never far away for any of us.
Sometime anger is close by too.
I was really angry today.
I can't stand self centred, self possessed ,selfish people.
All they want to talk about is themselves and are not interested in anyone else's lives.

A one way conversation soon runs out of steam.

So does getting angry, or upset, or sobbing help us in our daily struggle ?
No , it is just an inevitable part of daily crappy living.

I hate it when people belittle tears, as though once they are flowing, it somehow makes things better.
It doesn't.
The hurting remains with us all.

OVERLOAD

I am in overload mode.
I cannot handle work and home and church and 'personal admin' and housework and being a mum, a cook, an Elder, a friend, a car mechanic.
Something has to give.
My brain is fading fast.
My legs are not far behind it.
Time to stop.
Time for ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chasing the Wind

Sometimes we try to find life's meaning, but just end up 'chasing the wind'.
We can feel the wind as it passes , but we can't hold on to it.
What we feel good about today is gone tomorrow. It is temporary.

It is only love that endures.
And makes us feel secure.
And alive.

Purpose

If God really did have a purpose for my life, wouldn't it be easier if He revealed it clearly for me to follow?
I know I have my part to play in understanding my role in the Big Plan , its just sometimes I find it hard to grasp the purpose of my life. For some it is very clear, for others we have to muddle along, searching for answers.
Maybe not everyone has a purpose.
And this life, however mundane, is all there is.
I hope not.

Returning From a journey

I'm back.
I haven't visited for a while - sorry.
Not sure why really - just not in the right place in my head until now.
Nothing much has changed.
Except a realization that change is not possible on your own.
Change involves others.
And luck- and God.
I have gone from looking forward and getting depressed to looking hourly and getting by.
I find it helps.
Otherwise the big black cloud descends and that paralyzes me.
I drown in tears and self pity and despair.
And the hope I long for disappears.

So I have learnt to take each day, each hour , sometimes each moment as it comes.

And be grateful to be alive.

Being poorly

Ok so this week I have been off work for 2 days.
My head is thumping, my tummy is really wobbly and I keep getting hot and cold.
I am feeling sorry for myself even though its not serious.
I am not well enough to go out or if I was I should go back to work.

I get weepy when I feel ill.
What's that about?
When I was a little girl and I was ill, my mum would let me lie on the settee and would make me a special treat of egg in a cup.
She would love me better.
Lets hope tonight sees an improvement or i could be screaming at the walls by tomorrow.

Planning ahead

I have never been one to plan.
I may book a holiday a few weeks ahead but that would be the extent of my planning.
I wish I had been the kind of person with personal goals and ambition so I had something to aim for.
But even the best laid plan can get unravelled like an old jumper.
Life gets in the way.
I wanted to be successful in my job, that is true. And make my dad proud.
But beyond that my life has pretty much just 'happened'.
I would never have thought my life would turn out like this anyway.
But who knows what destiny has in store when we set out on life's journey.
Sometimes, its better not to know

The wish bone

I used to love being given the wish bone if mum cooked chicken. The story goes you take the bone and share it with someone else by both taking one side and wrapping the bone around your little finger then making a wish before it breaks.

But sometimes , just sometimes, I feel like I AM the wish bone.
Being broken in two - torn apart by conflicting elements of my life.
Everyone demanding a bit of me, and a bit of my time.
As I am torn apart, I am silently screaming - stop, please stop.

R & R

Its amazing what a little R & R can do.

I was fraught, work was killing me, my house was still not sold and my life seemed soooooo black last week.
I took time off work, spent quality time with friends and family and returned to work today refreshed.
Oh and with a change of hair colour too!!



Lets see if anyone notices................

Vibrant , and alive. And glad to be in this world.

Ty

Oh to be young again and enjoy the simple pleasures of snow!!

A fantastic photo.

church family

I had never experienced the joy of a church family until I came to my latest church.
To feel loved and cared for is really comforting at times, and to know there are people who are interested in you as a person, not in a superficial way like at work, but in a deep and meaningful way, is wonderful.

Family

My Dad

Soon my dad will be 85- wow!
He continues to amaze me with his sharp brain and although he can sometimes be a pain to be with, he has always been there for me when I have needed him most.
Always.
He cares in his own way. He just doesn't always know how to show emotion.
But I love him so very much.
And I couldn't imagine my life without him.
xxx

In you my soul is well

Though the struggles have been many
And the flesh inside me weak
Lord Your grace and truth have taught me
My soul is well
Though I 've wandered in confusion
I have seen enough to know
Where I tread Your goodness follows
My soul is well.

In You my soul is well.

joy

I recently watched 'The Bucket List' again - a great film with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.
I run a film club and although I have watched this film before, I wanted to see it again to refresh my memory and enjoy the wonderful moments in the film.
I forgot how sad it was!! SO I ended up 'blubbing' through most of it.
A good 'blub' is a healthy thing to do every now and again.

Its self indulgent and makes you feel so alive all at the same time.

Anyway, the film has several serious messages.


The one I remember most is ' Have you experienced joy in your life?'
I guess the answer to that is yes.
The greatest joy for me has to be the day my son came home from hospital.
I knew then he was meant to be in this world.
And he was here to stay.

Where I go to

Sometimes I can't cope with my life.
So I go places in my head instead.
I imagine a time when I was happy.
I imagine a place where I felt calm and stress free.
Sometimes you just got to let life pass you by and wash over you.
You can only deal with so much stress at a time.

So I know if I go places in my head noone can harm me, or disappoint me, or put pressure on me, or give me grief.
It's just a lonely place to be.
But its my safe zone.

Where was God?

Where was God when the earthquake hit Haiti?
Where was He when the aid workers were turned away again and again at the airport?
When people lay dying , trapped in the rubble for days?
With no food or water or possessions, or shelter?Nothing.

When finally help did arrive , Doctors were performing amputations on children and adults with minor broken limbs, but who had , by the time they were rescued from the rubble, now got infections and who would die unless their arms or legs or both were amputated.
They amputated without anesthetic, without any pain killers.
Nothing.

Barbaric conditions.
So where was God??

I have no idea what to say when asked this question.
God has a plan for all of us.
I just can't accept this was His plan for the people of Haiti.
Can you?????

When things don't quite turn out the way you'd planned

Yesterday was such a day.
I had a great morning visiting a new church and enjoying worship in a different way, which is good to do every once in a while. Meet God in a new place that is.

After lunch I went to meet friends to go for a walk in the nearby National Trust Park which is beautiful on a crisp January afternoon.
The snow had gone and the day was cold but I had planned for that and worn several layers.
But.. I wore the wrong boots which were cosy and warm and trendy ... and totally useless on a slippy afternoon!!
I fell , not once but twice.
I hurt my pride and little else thankfully but such a mess! I had mud everywhere!
Then I chose a route which involved negotiating a steep hill, and undeterred, tried keeping up with said friends only to discover I soon ran out of puff!!( Not good on hills - my body can't cope with them)
SO i had to do my usual stopping to catch my breath and pretend it was a scenery stop.


To end the day I had a row with my best friend. Well we fell out several times.
I came home battered mentally and physically.

Of course next time I will wear the right footwear and choose flat walks to go on, or better still, meet everyone at the cafe after they have been out walking.

Life sucks sometimes!
Just sometimes I wish I could do what so many normal people can do and not get tired, or feel ill going up a hill, not have to stop and feel awkward with friends, and just enjoy being out in the fresh air with good company.
But I don't have a perfect body and I have to accept that frustrating as it is, its the only one I've got.

If only

As you get older it is hard not to look back on your life and ponder on what might have been.
I wish I had travelled more and explored the world for longer than a 2 week package holiday.
I wish I had taken more risks and not jumped at the first job that came my way.

I think in many ways so much has passed me by.
I still have a 'wish list ' of things I would like to do before my life is over, but I guess the older you get the less chance everyone has of making those wishes become a reality.

Heres wishing:
I would love to ride in a helicopter.
I would love to be brave enough to go on a scary rollercoaster, just once!
I dream of singing to more than just the congregation at church
I would love to travel to south America and enjoy carnival time in Brazil.
I want to go to Iona and Holy Island
I would like to go and visit the boy I sponsor in Uganda
I would love to learn to water ski
I would love to go island hopping in Scotland
I would love to be somewhere hot on Christmas Day and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else but me for just one year.
I would love to drive an Aston Martin for a day

Just a few of my wish list ideas.

We can all dream..............

feeding the soul

We all need time to feed the soul.
Not wasting time on mindless activity to pass the time but actively looking for ways to be fed spiritually.

Some do it by sitting in silence to recharge, or taking a walk in the country on a crisp winters day, or reading some new book to inspire, or praying, or simply learning to 'be' .

In order to feed the soul it is important to challenge and learn and grow, sometimes with others but also alone. The key is never to stand still.
If we do nothing we stop learning.
If we stop learning we stop growing.

So take time today to feed your soul.
Tomorrow you will be stronger and richer for it.

Go on, give it a go.

People

What gives some people the right to feel more superior than others?
Or to feel they have more to give to the world?
Surely the worth of one human being cannot be defined simply by status or job title by wealth or years or intelligence or exams or any of the above?

We should all feel we are equal - indeed we are in God's eyes.
I hate it when people look down their nose at me, or talk to me with disdain, or disrespect me. Or ignore me. Or who are rude and insulting to me. Or who make me feel smaller than I already am.

We all deserve respect.
The people I most respect and admire are those who are not in a well paid job with a flash car and big house . My friends are genuine caring people who would doubtless give me their last penny.
Above all, they do not judge me or look down their nose at me or make me feel worthless, or unimportant.
And I would be lost without them.

journeying

Today I went to see my mum.
I journeyed to the bird box in the cold rain on a dank January sunday afternoon. When I got there it was still raining. There was noone about. I changed into boots put up an umbrella and began walking. As I walked I talked to my mum.
'mum' i said' I haven't been here in a while and I am sorry. I meant to come before now, on your birthday. But then I couldn't bring myself to. I meant to come at christmas, but I coudn't bring myself to, so I am here now.
The seasons changed since I was here last but the place still looks the same. Your tree stands tall and proud and your bird box looks happy where it is. I hope new families of birds have brought new life.
I know you are not here , and have long gone from this place.But you remain in my heart and everyone else's who was lucky enough to know you. Gone but never forgotten .
As the rain fell, so did my tears.

Shoes

All too often we spend too much time thinking about our own little worlds , our own problems and sometimes, just sometimes, we all need reminding how very very lucky we are.
It is all relative of course.

But this week having seen the terrible situation on Haiti and the sheer scale of the disaster, it is hard to imagine a worse place to be right now.
I would not like to be in their shoes.

We had a disaster at church. Vandals trashed the place.

My uncle is battling cancer.

My step dad is still wallowing in grief.

I hate my stressful,badly paid job.
My son has no friends and is turning into a recluse.
We have real money worries.
But nothing compares to Haiti.
The pictures of Haiti fill my soul with despair and frustration. As we look on helplessly, the world tries to respond, not quickly enough , to help the people trapped, injured, dying, hungry, homeless. All too late, too late.

Tonight, as I sit in my centrally heated house, I give thanks for my life and realise how lucky and blessed I am. And I do the only thing I can at this time - pray.

Life

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath
away.

Friends

How do you define a friend? What makes a friend?
For me a friend is someone who is reliable, who is loyal, who is caring not overpowering, who walks beside me in my pain, who makes me smile again.

I need real friends in my life. Not fair weather friends . Not friends that drain me, or can't be straight with me, or who ditch me for a better offer. Or who lean on me in times of pain and then are off again.
I think real friends are hard to come by. I don't have many.
But I am grateful for the ones I have.

Happy New Year !

Well it's 2010 and I have begun the year as I mean to go on- tidying out my life.
I have decided to 'declutter' my life of not just things but also people .Of habits too.
I want to rediscover who I am and at the age of 51,try to redefine myself. A soon to be single parent .
Christmas was relatively painless apart from Christmas Day, when it wasn't my husband i missed most, but my mum. I was the only female in the house and felt it . But my dad did a great job of entertaining and worked very hard. I did help but was glad when it was all over. But the focus wasn't there because I couldn't get to church . I missed God in it all. The only glimpse I got of Him was on Christmas morning when the sun rose. And the Son of man was born.

So here I am, wading through the life I had and deciding, however painful the process, what I will keep and what I will dispose of. Its a catharthic feeling, and a necessary experience, and in it all the tears keep falling as they must. Part of the healing.

Must go,work to be done.