Special Days

Today is a special day.
It is 2 years since my mum died.
I had been sad all week leading up to today and found it hard to fight against very natural emotions.
But today I woke up and decided to enjoy my day.
To remember my mum with a smile not a tear, with a spot of shopping and self indulgent time for me. Just me. A day free of stress and pressure.
So I ventured into the village, spent time trying loads of dresses on and buying something 'different' , something unique - to remind me of mum.
Then I went into town and spent THREE HOURS !! having my hair stripped of red and dyed back to blonde.
The need to cry to order because it is the anniversary of my mums death is not compulsory.
I cry on ordinary days, just because I stop and remember her, because I still miss my mum so much.


Today however,I remembered her and smiled , feeling so very blessed that she was my mum.

Anniversaries

I have a friend who is very kind.
She remembers everything about my life, even when i don't.
She sends kind texts to tell me she is thinking of me on 'difficult days' , even when my day is not difficult.
So I have to search my brain to remember why certain days are 'difficult' and feel slightly guilty when I have slept through them or even enjoyed those 'special' days.

I got a text on Mother's Day.
I don't have a mum anymore so I think my friend thought it would be a 'difficult' day.
It wasn't because I was with family, enjoying my dad's birthday weekend.


This Saturday may well be a difficult day. I can feel the sadness mounting already in my heart and the tears building.

It will be 2 years since my mum died and it feels like yesterday.
I miss her laughter, her humour and her love.
I miss her sense of fun and her 'presence' in the world and in my life.
I miss her smell and elegance and her strength.

I miss being able to share things with her.
I miss her company.
Her hugs.
Her.

Emotions

I saw someone show despair today.
Frustration and anger and sorrow and real tears.
I felt useless as I witnessed the outpouring of sorrow, wanting to say something soothing but knowing I couldn't make it right.


Later I ended up in a similar place myself, for very different reasons..
Tears are never far away for any of us.
Sometime anger is close by too.
I was really angry today.
I can't stand self centred, self possessed ,selfish people.
All they want to talk about is themselves and are not interested in anyone else's lives.

A one way conversation soon runs out of steam.

So does getting angry, or upset, or sobbing help us in our daily struggle ?
No , it is just an inevitable part of daily crappy living.

I hate it when people belittle tears, as though once they are flowing, it somehow makes things better.
It doesn't.
The hurting remains with us all.