worrying

I didn't think of myself as a natural worrier. But a friend of mine said I was this week. I worry about something every day. And it's true.Today I was worrying about my job and how much stress I am under.
I wish I was more laid back about life but I don't think I am that kind of person. Even when I don't think I am worrying , I go to sleep and have a disturbed night so subconsciously I must be still thinking about things and churning them over in my mind.

I long for peace Lord, for some respite in this stressful day to day existence we call life.

Moving on-not

Last friday was my mum's birthday. Well I mean it would have been had she still been alive. It was also the day we agreed on the sale of the house. The buyers agreed a price finally which was acceptable to us and after the reality sunk in, I began furiously looking at houses to buy, as the deadline was Christmas to move out.
On Monday, our buyers pulled out. My world fell apart.
Life is never what you expect. My weekend was a rollercoaster of emotion from fear to acceptance to relief to excitement tinged with sadness.
On Monday my heart sank as I realised nothing had changed. Nothing.
So her I am , still stuck.
Roll on Christmas. Deep joy.

Hope

I read this tonight

'True hope is believing God is good no matter what He decides to do.
I used to think hope was a fluffy, faraway feeling—like cotton candy for your heart. I’ve learned real hope is gritty, real, and raw. It’s strong and wild, unpredictable and fierce.
I’ve had so many conversations with God along the lines of, “Lord, no more with the hope thing. Just answer the prayers please.” He lovingly responds, “Lean into me, daughter, lean into me.”

When I listen and lean rather than resist, I find rest. I have the hope my heart craves. And (dare I say it?) I even discover joy.We tend to think what we need most is whatever we’re asking for in that moment. God knows what we really need is more of Him in every moment.'

HOPE is more than just a word—
it’s a state of being.
It’s a firm belief that
even if you don’t know how,
even if you don’t know when,
God will come through
and better days are ahead.
Life sends rain...
Hope dances in the puddles
until the sun comes out again.

Rain on me by Holly Gerth.

How I wish i could believe what she does. Right now I sense God is shaking his head in despair.

Maybe its because I feel hopeless tonight.

Life

Life before death. That's what Christian Aid say in their adverts whilst fighting poverty. Well ' We believe in life before death' to be exact.

how many of us can say we feel really alive?? That we wake feeling sooooo happy to be on this planet and can't wait to get on with the day. Really Living .
What do we mean when we say we feel good to be alive?? Does it mean our little worlds are full and happy and content. Does it mean we have the partner we want, the ideal friends to socialize with and the perfect family to love us?? Does it mean we have more money than we need, a really interesting, stretching job with fantastic prospects?? Or none of these things??

I am not ready to throw in the towel and stop living. But sometimes, just sometimes, I would love to swap my life for someone elses. I have felt so stressed by my job, my life, my unhappiness lately that all I wanted to do was walk out the door and never look back. But I can't.

I must keep working to earn enough money to be able to leave my sad life and start afresh. I should count my blessings and be grateful that I have a job. That my health is not too bad, and that I have a son who still says' I love you' at 15 years of age.

Living. A smile on my face, the wind in my hair and no stress for a day. One day. One day.

All I really want to do is enjoy living.

More songs

Ok so now I am on a roll.
3 years at university in Leeds and my music taste changed completely.
I guess I began with Pink Floyd , this was my favourite , Caravan,(great album title - 'Girls who grow plump in the night') , Everything but the girl, Fairground attraction, U2, The Cure,Roy Harper, Supertramp, and for more mellow evenings, Sade, Janis Ian, Lesley Duncan, and the amazing Joan Armatrading .
I miss going to see live bands - although I don't miss the buzzing in your ears when you got home!

songs

As I was growing up, I was influenced by my mum's music taste as well as my sisters, although my sister did have a real range of taste in music. She got me into Janis Joplin - like this and Crosby Stills Nash and Young, not to mention Pentangle and Al Stewart's Year of the Cat . Of course I also loved Bob Dylan and David Bowie, and the usual- Carol King and James Taylor. I found some of my old LP's the other day and the memories came flooding back.

My Mum kept playing the same song just before she left my dad and me. It was this Judy Collins song .

It still makes me cry when I listen to the lyrics.
I have very little by way of things to remind me of my mum. My most treasured possession is a tape I have of my sister singing, and my mum talking and laughing with her. When I play it, I close my eyes and can almost be in the room with them.

Music can make you happy or sad. It can lift the soul or overwhelm you with sorrow. Either way, I would never want to be without it.

Destiny

Do we have choice in how our lives turn out? Or is it all decided by a higher being before we are even born?
Are we capable of making choices that are the reason for our happiness/ unhappiness, our success or failure , our sense of purpose or failure to live up to our potential?
A friend said once, if we ask God , he will give us what we need. This can't be true all the time. We may want something we can't have , or that God deems will not bring us happiness, or that we don't deserve . Not our will but his after all.
In my despair I look for answers to how my life has turned out. At 51 you would think I had it all worked out by now. No chance.
All I know is it can only get better.

For Mum

This is another Eva Cassidy song which I am dedicating to my mum.
She will always be in my heart.
And will live on in every one who was lucky enough to have known her.

Being Positive

Its infectious. Attitude that is. I am really happy this week and trying to stay positive about everything. I should be really panicking about my job .. The pressure is ON!!! But I am not. In fact I am feeling more confident and I am not sure why. I think its because I am trying really really hard to do well. That is what matters.
Other people respond if you are feeling happy. Its infectious,and often inspiring. It won't last I am sure but this week I am enjoying feeling good about myself. That's the first time in a long time I have felt that.
Positive mental attitude may not be the answer to everything - but it helps!

the gateway to the soul

How do we learn what makes a person 'tick'? If we all respond differently when we are with different people , then how do we know when someone is being 'real',?
Take silence. It is often misinterpreted as arrogance, or laziness or being 'at ease' with someone.Or none of those things.
When we say we 'know ' someone , we only know what they choose to reveal about themselves.We can't know everything about that person . Maybe that's not a bad thing.
I don't know myself very well. Other people know me better than I know myself sometimes. How does that work??

Hats

We all have different hats. Tonight I was wearing my mum hat.I had an appointment with my son's English teacher to discuss his grades, then I had to visit the last of the local sixth form colleges to decide which one he should apply to for next year.
It's not a great experience, the college visits. Open day is always packed full of parents and kids so its mad busy, a prospectus and map are thrust into your hands on arrival, and then you wander off in search of the tutors to grill them about the possible courses your little darling is vaguely intererested in. How to make an informed decision is not easy based on that experience. Confusing ?? You bet. You have to go on the course descriptions and the people you meet.
It is an important decision. One of the most important decisions your teenager will make. So it is important to get it right.
Once the choice is made, all that's left is to encourage them to study, study, study for their exams so they get good grades to get them to college.
I am sure my son was overwhelmed by the whole experience . He wasn't the only one.

Feeling helpless

Cutting my hair .
An outward sign of an inner turmoil.
Better than self harm I guess.
Sometimes I literally try to pull my hair out - sheer frustration I guess.
Maybe I need to take up a sport instead. Boxing ?

Responsibility

We are all responsible for our own actions.
But what does that mean? Response - ability. We have a duty to use our abilities and respond to them by using them for the glory of God.
Another way of thinking of this is that we all have gifts from God, from the Holy spirit, within each of us. It's just we may not know what they are. Maybe its called the 'inner beauty'.
Mother Theresa said that we should look for the 'image of Christ' in each person we meet and love that unique representation of the Divine.
I am not sure I can see that in every one I meet.
But its a lovely idea.

It was meant to be

How many of us have heard that phrase? Or 'Things happen for a reason'.What does that mean?
I had a conversation with a woman this week about something sad that had happened to her , and I guess it was her way of coping with the trauma .
Do we have the right to be cynical or criticize that view if it is not our own? I guess not. As a christian it is hard to explain why terrible things happen, and when people want answers to questions, it is really hard to know what to say.

I think bad things do happen, but I don't know why. There will always be good and evil in the world and there will always be people who do bad things.I don't think God can stop events happening - he is not an intervening God after all. He gave us free will and the power to choose right or wrong.
I keep hearing the phrase 'spiritual warfare' and I really have no idea what that means. Are we all in a constant battle with the devil as he tries to tempt us every day?
Stuff happens. My head hurts now. That's all I know.

Life after death

Have you ever wondered where people go when they die? Are they in the breeze , or in the tears shed, are they laughter or catching waves, or dancing the night away? Or are they in your heart as they live on in you?I am not sure I believe in life after death. So I have to try and think where my mum is right now.
Maybe she is over the rainbow? Where skies are blue, she is on a swing,laughing, and she is free.
I am dedicating this song to my mum.

Poetry

I love poetry , ever since I was a little girl and my mum used to read to me and my sister. Poems like Robert Loius Stevenson - 'from a railway carriage' and WH Davies "What is this life if full of care we have no time to stand and stare."
I learnt it at school where I poured over it for A level English, poems like Remember by Christina Rossetti and war poems which I hated 'There was a simple soldier boy'.
One of my mums favourites was about a little boy who ate a slice of chocolate cake , then another , and another until it was all gone! And one about shoes. But her favourite was called 'When I am old I will wear purple 'by Jenny Joseph. It goes like this:

When I am an old woman,
I shall wear purple - -
With a red hat which doesn't go,
and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves and satin sandles,
And say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
and gobble up samples in shops
and press alarm bells
and run with my stick along public railings,
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick flowers in other people's gardens
and learn to spit!
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at ago,
or only bread and pickles for a week,
and hoard pens and pencils
and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
and pay our rent
and not swear in the street,
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner
and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised
when suddenly I am old,
And start to wear purple!

--Jenny Joseph


.I wanted to recite that one at her funeral but my step dad forbade me as it was too frivolous for such a solemn occasion.
On her birthday in November I shall journey to the bird box and recite it to her and wait for her laughter.I wish I could still recite it to her now face to face.We should always treasure those memories , golden memories, for special people will not be with us forever.

Ella

I have a friend called Ella. She is strong and beautiful and special.
I could only have one child and I had a boy. But if I had had the chance to have another and it was a girl, I would have called her Ella.

Being liked

We all like to be liked. To be accepted . Its human nature I guess. But we are all far from perfect.
I am too sensitive at times and take things personally.( What a stupid phrase that is. How else do you take things about you if its not personally!!)
I fret about silly things or beat myself up about things , comments said about me or to me.I don't like people talking behind my back yet I do it. What a hypocrite! I think I am straight forward and call a spade a spade but maybe I am not.
I need to become like an onion with layers. I should put on my layers like a coat and wear it to work to avoid being hurt .

bad day

Everyone has bad days. I had one today. It was stressful and tearful and busy and frustrating and made me want to give up.

So how could I be of any use to anyone else who was having a bad day too??
We all live our lives in our own bubble and stuff we stress about is tiny and insignificant in the general scheme of things, the big picture. But our stuff matters so its silly to try and dumb it down if we can't fix it or handle it or cope .
We are all swimming in the sea of life. Sometimes we are drowning, sometimes bobbing on the surface. The least we can do is wave to each other.
Today I couldn't throw a lifeline. Mine were all used up too.
Tomorrow is another horizon. I am going to try and swim harder.

Becoming

I am becoming something else. Or is that someone else? I am no longer the stay at home person I was, but now a working mother, and I am becoming a soon to be single something at the grand old age of 51.
I am feeling a bit like a caterpillar. But unlike a butterfly , I want to live for more than 1 day!!I am still me in side but subtle changes are happening and its quite exiting. And scarey all at the same time.
Soon the world wll be my oyster. Whatever that means!!!!

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

confusion

A confusing weekend really. My own fault again no doubt. I have the capacity to look for the negative in everything. I expect people to let me down - I guess that way I protect myself in case they do. So pathetic.
All I know is I am sick of being me.

Living in the moment

I wish I could perfect the art of living in the moment, not worrying what tomorrow may bring.
This is not real life.
Real life is humdrum and monotonous and someone else dictating what you do and when you do it. Holidays become a distant memory and days out a soon forgotten time.
Living every day as if it were your last is so easy to say and hard to do.
Winter draws on and so it comes to this.
Soon be Christmas - and another year gone. How scarey.

biting my tongue

I have a bad habit. I engage mouth before brain. I think something then say it before realizing the impact my words may have on the person I am talking to . It may be an honest comment but sometimes it could be something the other person really doesn't want to hear.
Silence speaks volumes so they say - maybe less is more. I think its open to misunderstandings. The idea of 'clearing the air' works for me. I know that many find that hard and the conversation ends up in a 'tit for tat' sniping dialogue which is often very destructive.This communication think is not easy.
So I will try to 'bite my tongue' and see what happens. An easier life? Maybe .

A rollercoaster day

I haven't had many of these lately but yesterday sure was. I got all tangled up in accusations and my head and heart were hurting badly.
What did I do? Lashed out as usual. Hurting my best friend . Again.

I have to keep calm and keep quiet.
I have to learn to trust.
I have brown eyes , not green ones.

We are all imperfect beings, bumbling through life. We don't always get it right.

miss you

I miss my mum. Sometimes I go for a week before I remember she is no longer with me. Sometimes I am happy and want to share it with her and go to ring and then........I remember she is dead.

Its weird . Its a pain I have never had before. When she first died the pain was there all the time. Unbearable pain. But now its more of a dull pain which I carry with me everywhere and will never leave me.

My mum made me laugh even when I felt really sad. She was so funny and so caring. She was elegant and sylish and unique. Other mums go all old fashioned and mumsy but she never did.
Admitedly in the end she began to lose her marbles , wearing the same clothes and forgetting things like how to make a cup of tea or what day it was. She would look at me in a puzzled way, desperately searching my face for the answer to something she had forgotten. But then she would amaze me by coming out with a gem. Like the last time I took her for a hospital appointment and she said'nature abhors a vacuum'.
She would recite poetry and recall stories from years ago - clear as a bell. But yet couldn't remember buying a jacket in Marks and Spencers then 5 minutes later seeing the same jacket and saying' thats a nice jacket' shall I buy it?

I try to remember my mum before she got ill. Before she started to forget things. Her body was beginning to give out but her mind was still sharp .
We never like to think of our parents as anything but well. We cannot prepare for them getting ill , getting old or even dying. We all want them to live forever.

It was so sad when my mum died and it was so suddden. Her body had given up and she had had enough of hospitals and illness and growing old. She would say never grow old its horrid.

I love you Mum. I hope you are smelling the roses, wherever you are, free at last of pain and suffering.


You are the best.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Disconnected

Have you ever felt alone in a crowd? Or wished you were alone when surrounded by people?
It is a wretched feeling. I am feeling disconnected from people today. Work, home, friends, church, everyone. I feel I have a glass wall around me and cannot break free . I am trying hard to relate to people but everyone else is speaking a different language or buying into a different vision to me.

I remain isolated and alone in my bubble . Silently screaming. Knowing noone can hear.
I read this tonight on someone else's blog.

'What do you do when you're caught between a rock and a hard place?
When you're going through disgrace after disgrace
when just about everything fails ?' When your life seems pointless?

'You keep hope alive.
You look up.
You have FAITH.
Hang in there blogland, help is on the way.'

I am hanging in there. Just.

Mountain top highs

Holidays are good in many ways and not in others. They help you recharge yes. And heal and relax and take stock. But they are unreal and often a short term escape from your life.
I was on a high on my return from my holiday. It lasted about a week. I now feel as flat as I did before I went away. You see nothing has changed in my life. The day to day remains the same old same old as does my inner turmoil and pain.
I guess the holiday was merely a week of distraction from it all. The mountain top high never lasts after all.

Paddling

I am a duck this week, I have to keep paddling so on the surface everything is calm and smiley.
I am a bit numb if the truth be told. I am trying hard to remain chilled as my house remains unsold and my future is uncertain.
My social life is non existent and my phone has stopped ringing. Its a waiting room time. Sooner or later something will happen. I just don't know what or when.
In the meantime most things major are out of my control so there is I guess little point in worrying. Easier said than done.

Hobbies

I don't have a hobby.

I don't have a passion for knitting or stamp collecting or gardening or cookery or sewing. I love cars and driving and playing the guitar and singing.
I need to find a hobby. I am going to set myself a challenge to learn something new every year.

I love my church family and being part of a community. But sometimes hanging round with only church folk can be unhealthy. We all need a balance in our life.

Little Lamb

Thats what my Dad called me as a child. Odd term of endearment but there you go. At what point or what age do you stop being their 'little lamb'?
I love my dad. He is the only one I have so I don't really have a choice. Sometimes he is thoughtful and kind and sometimes he hasn't got a clue. My dad doesn't understand emotion or feelings. He finds it hard when people cry. How he and my mum got together I will never know - they were so different in so many ways. My dad is logical and factual and opinionated and bigoted and my mum was emotional and arty and sensitive and compassionate and caring and kind.
My problem is my dad still thinks of me as his little lamb.

He doesn't try to understand me or support me . He doesn't 'get' the fact that I am a christian and refuses to come to church, even to set aside his atheist views for one day to come and listen while I sing, refusing to be there for me when I was made an Elder,even though he must have known how much that day meant to me, and how disappointed and sad I was that he didn't come. In fact noone came to support me that day.
All I really want is for my dad to be proud of me. To say 'well done' for something,anything I have done in my 51 years. That would mean so much to me. Much more than money could buy.
As my dad is not one to express feelings, I doubt I will ever hear those words.
As for my child, I am constantly surprised by his determination and have been so proud of him since the day he was born. And I tell him. Regularly.

We cannot choose our parents but we can learn from them. I am happy to express my feelings and to let others know how much they mean to me.



l

Disappointment

HAve you ever been let down by a friend? How does it make you feel? How do you cope with it? I don't. Cope that is. I get this anger in my stomach and I feel all knotted up inside. I feel I have been slapped across the face.
I hate being let down. I hate being messed around. I despise people who make arrangements then break them. I have been let down tonight. Now I feel angry .

Pulling at the heart strings

What makes you cry? Sometimes it can be a sad song or poem, a heart breaking film or tragedy in the news - or just life being too much to cope with.
I think I cry easily. I didn't used to - my sister was the emotional one and she said I was the together one, almost cold. But over time events have happened to me to make me change and become much more emotional, and sometimes too sensitive. My mum leaving me was the first major event. I stayed living with my dad for 2 years until I went up to university. I fell apart and he put me back together then he fell apart, and I was there for him. Many tears were shed in that time.
Then life moved on, I got married. 4 years later my husband left me for a younger model. Well a Scandinavian younger model to be precise and lots of tears were shed then. I guess I became even more insecure. People I love have a habit of leaving me.
When major events happen to you, it can change the person you were. I became mistrustful of men, of relationships. And who could blame me.
I moved on and married again and 2 years later, had my first and only child. That event didn't go according to plan though. I nearly died and so did my son. Many times. What should have been a joyful time was fraught, unbelievably frightening and one I would not wish to go through again. I lived in fear that one day my son would be taken from me. He would leave this world. But amazingly 15 years later he is here - a fighter. He hasn't left me.

My mum has always been what many would call a 'creaking gate' . She had been ill for as long as I remember but was never one to complain. Ever. She had so many illnesses her medical records were huge. She was the bravest woman I have ever met. She was my best friend and I thought she would live forever. I was wrong.
My mum died suddenly in May last year, 8th May 2008 to be precise. My mum left me. The tears returned.
Now my husband and I are splitting up and technically I guess we are leaving each other. It is sad and we need to move on but there have and will be tears along the way. A release I guess. Better than bottling it up.

Life is hard. Maybe it's my turn for some happiness now.Done enough crying.

A mad day

Have you ever had a day when you just don't stop and have time for you? Just for 5 minutes? Yesterday was such a day. I worked in the morning, something I resent on a Saturday but hey it pays the bills, then had to sort out my idle teenage son to check he was out of bed and had had his shower and breakfast. Then we went to buy lunch. I had to go shopping after that for 2 presents, deliver one of them, spend some time with my God children, go home, get changed and go to a party with the other one. The party was overcrowded, I didn't feel like engaging in endless small talk and escaped after only half an hour - noone even noticed I had gone.
So there I was in Mcdonalds car park having a drive through . It was the first time that day I had stopped. I had finally had time for me. My head was in a whirl and I was drained. Shattered.
No wonder I was tired when I fell into bed. Everyone demanding a little bit of me . It was too much.

Things I can't live without

Today I left my mobile in my car while it was at the garage being fixed. I felt as if i had forgotten my right arm! I ALWAYS carry my mobile and today there was nothing I could do about getting it back. It felt really strange and I felt bereft, disconnected.
Texts received from friends during the day help me get through the day. They are my lifeline if I am feeling sad, they are encouraging, sometimes caring words that enable me to remember someone is thinking about me.
I did get through the day as I had no choice. But I won't be forgetting my mobile again in a hurry!!

What makes me smile

I haven't been doing much smiling lately. Quite the opposite really. I even wondered if I would ever smile again the other week, when all I seemed to do was blub.
But in order to feel alive and glad to be on this planet, you need to smile sometimes. It is very hard to ignore a smile when someone is smiling at you. Its infectious - you have to smile back.

It's the little things that make me smile.
While on holiday recently several people were really kind. They suprised me with their kindness. They were complete strangers but were happy to help me. They made me smile on the inside.

A sunny day makes me smile. Someone buying me a present unexpectedlyand surprising me, no matter how little it cost, makes me smile. Hugs make me smile.

Realising I have friends who care about me makes me smile too. Friends who seem to know when to text just at the right moment to remind me they are thinking of me, worrying and caring. Supporting and loving me, just as I am. Walking beside me.


I guess life is too short to be sad all the time.

A new abode

I have to move house soon. I have no idea what I will buy or indeed where to look. I just hope I will 'know' when I find the house I should buy.
It's a big decision buying a house. It's not like a car or a holiday or even a new dress. You can't take it back to the shop if you don't like it or it isn't your colour.
Its major.
I am trying to be calm about this whole process, in the belief that the right house will present itself when the time is right. But in the meantime, I will keep looking, discarding, possibly viewing and this will enable me to see what is out there, what is affordable and what I could call my new 'home.'

Self respect

If you don't have self respect you have nothing. I want a job which is rewarding, which I can take pride in, which is satisfying, which enables me to use my brain, my talents and which makes God proud.
I am not 21 and I am under no illusion that I should feel lucky to have a job when so many are out of work. But life is too short to be in a job you hate. Tonight I feel belittled and demotivated. I don't want to be grateful for ANY job so long as it pays the bills. A job that gets me a ticket out of my sad life and into freedom. I am not scum, a piece of dirt under someones shoe. But that's what I feel.

I have so much to give. I want to do something which is worthwhile.

Stupidly, one day, I thought I would be able to make a difference.

Instead I sold my soul.

Permission to bleed

When my son was yonger , if he was ill I would always ask him what number pain was he feeling. He couldn't understand why I couldn't feel his pain.

So we devised a system of 1 to 10. 10 was really bad and 1 was nearly gone. It was a simple way of me working out if his pain was getting worse or better.
I used to want to take pain away from my friends whenever I saw them suffer emotionally. I guess I wanted to fix it so I would be the one in pain and they would be better. But I have learnt that life is not that simple and all I can do is to walk beside them in their pain and show compassion and respect for that person. This leaves me feeling helpless and useless and frustrated as I am a doer and want to DO more for that person. But the pain is theirs not mine and so it is not mine to take or bear.

So it is for me as I journey on over the next few months. No one can bear my pain or live my story as its mine to bear and live through.
You let me bleed when I need to , cry when I need to and howl when I need to. You give me permission and provide a safe space . You do not make me unhappy. You enable me to heal myself. Walk with me , be with me, as I find myself again.

Reality

So tomorrow is fast approaching. Time to step back into my real life - job, selling the house, moving on.After all, all good things come to an end.
A good friend asked me if I was ready to go back to work. The truth? I have loved not being at work. I have loved time to chill and catch up with friends but I know i need a job to pay the bills. So tomorrow I will return to the merry go round of selling and await news of my next branch, wherever that will be.
What have I learnt while I have had time out of work? To take each day as it comes, to try not to get too stressed about everything, including the house sale and to accept that most things are outside of our control so there is no point in worrying. To trust in God more.
Above all, to savour every moment of being with friends. Laugh often, dance well, take time to heal.Walk in the woods, enjoy the breeze on your face and the sun on your back. Feel alive.

Holidays

Well i survived!! The holiday experience as a single parent was really good! Apart from the odd problem we got through a lovely week together in sunny Corfu. Just George and I.
Ok so we left his hat on the plane on the way there and nearly lost his brace and my REALLY expensive reading glasses but we lived to tell the tale. We hired a car for 3 days and I remembered rather after the event that Greece has bad roads and terrible drivers- but all exciting fun.
It was HOT - 42 on day one and 37 on day 7 but we were careful and found shady places to sit under the trees in the garden of the hotel, chilling together . reading books and chatting.Wonderful.

Me

Well i should be in bed. Getting ready for the next 48 hours when I have to get up at some ridiculous time in the morning to catch a plane to my first holiday alone. I say alone, just me and my son .

Exciting!! All the sun and sand and sea and .............soooooooooooooo scary.

Got to be done. All these first experiences. Just me. The only responsible adult going. Good.

Lets hope I live up to the challenge. (Travel insurance checked and double checked just in case)

How I wish it was a holiday for 3.

Silence

They say silence is a virtue.
I would say it is cruel. Excruciatingly painful. Hurtful.

It is deafening.

Like the silent scream.

Never felt so alone.

This week

This week has been the longest .Ever.

This week has beeen the hardest.

Disconnected.

In a daze, barely functioning.

So... to sum up my week...

Stressful.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet.

Waving or drowning??

Have you ever been in a situation where something is so sad you just have to laugh or you will cry??
Excitement mixed with fear, anticipation inextricably linked to panic?

It is often said that a good artist before going on stage is slightly nervous in order to give of their best. So I feel right now.
I am fearful of the unknown yet excited at the very idea of a new start , a new beginning.
Change IS unsettling thats for sure. And stressful and challenging .But it can also be liberating and enabling and rewarding and YES!
Tears and tantrums, panic and worry will inevitably folllow , but as I step into this unknown unchartered water , I am carrying with me buckets of hope, of laughter, of a yearning for life. If we do not change, we die.
I believe I am about to be reborn.

Identity

'Leap of Faith' by Laurel Schwartz.

New start.
New chapter.
New beginning.
May I find the courage, the strength ,the desire and the will,to let go of my old life and embrace a new one.
To be given the chance to start again, and grab it with both hands.
In the process of emerging I am so scared of losing you.
Never leave me.
Walk beside me in my pain.
Journey as i journey ...... to find myself again.

New Life

I'm back. Its been a while. Not much has happened really - except me trying to organise an escape plan from this prison. I finally did it!! The relief was enormous! The possibility of 'life before death' to borrow Oxfam's phrase was going to be a reality!
So in real terms, what has that meant? Well we have put the house on the market. And had 'conversations' about the future. All good in terms of moving forward. So why do I feel so miserable? So completely wretched and weepy?? I think its the realisation of the finality of it all, even though its the only way forward. Its the grieving for the loss of a marriage a home and a family unit and grieving for security and stability , no matter how boring that was.
I can't sleep, I can't work , I eat only occasionally. Yet the rest of my family have accepted it brilliantly and not shown any outwould sign of struggling with this new life ahead. Ironic really.

Grief

Like all things, grief affects us all in different ways. Some choose to bury hurt and so carry grief with them like a second skin. Others acknowledge it and over time come to terms with their loss.
Whatever we grieve for, whether its a relationship that has come to an end, a loved one who has died, a son who is no longer a child but a teenager no longer needed affection,we can struggle to cope with the loss.
When it is all three at once, it is a huge loss. In the last 12 months thats what I have been trying to cope with.
I am lucky I have friends who care and a God who is always there for me, who will always love me and who is my strength and my Saviour.

Life

Life is simple - it's just not easy.
We can't make things happen - they just ARE or they are not. I guess that's what happened early on Sunday morning, despite my excited anticipation. It wasn't just any Sunday morning though , it was Easter Sunday. I thought by getting up early to watch the sun rise with a group of friends ,the Son of God would rise too and we would embrace Easter together.

It was cold, it was early, it was misty and it was an adventure, but not as spiritual as I thought it might have been.So we went home and got on with our day. It wasn't special or moving or memorable.

Maybe for me it was a lesson too.

Me and God

Teach me to love thee as thine angels love
one Holy passion filling all my frame
The baptism of the heaven - descended Dove
my heart an altar, and thy love the flame.

Easter

A time to reflect, to revisit , remember,renew and refresh faith. To ask why , to weep, to share the pain, to acccept the gift and to appreciate the ultimate sacrifice in the name of Love.
'It is a thing most wonderful,almost too wonderful to be,
that God's own Son should come from heaven and die to save a child like me
and yet I know that it is true, he came to this poor world below,
and wept and toiled and mourned and died, only because he loved me so.' WW How

He died for me , little me! He loves me!Wow.

Holidays

Well here I sit at my pc and I AM ON HOLIDAY FROM WORK for a whole week!! The weather will of course be disappointing, given that I am off but I won't let it stop me relaxing, catching up with family and sleep and trying to unwind after several mad days at work.
So how to relax? Well walking in the fresh air helps, or driving with the roof down of my little red sports car is definately on the list. Driving always relaxes me , especially if I can find some challenging roads like I did yesterday around Derbyshire.
Relaxing the mind however is another matter.Lets hope by the end of the week I will stop worrying and just BE for a day or so. Here's praying.....

Purpose

Everyone needs a purpose , a plan, a reason for being.Its not just about us, or how much money we can make or how much chocolate we can eat in a lifetime!
It's so much bigger than that. We need to embrace the simple truth that we were made to give ourselves to a cause bigger than ourselves....a cause that increases the peace in the world... a cause, a purpose , a task that makes the world a better place.
Oxfam are one such cause that I support , that I am passionate about, that does so much to make this world a better place, for everyone. Whether its lobbying the Government about climate change, being first on the scene of any disaster, helping struggling poor communities help themselves, educating people, making a difference. So that's one cause that I support. Found yours yet?....

Palm Sunday

Its Palm Sunday and its time to celebrate. The Prince of Peace is here! Hosana!




My Lord, be a bright flame before me,
A guiding star above me,
A kindly shepherd behind me,
Today, tonight and for ever.

YOU

Why am I a Christian? This is one reason..............

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I moulded you in the depths of the earth and knit you together in your mother's womb.

I chose you before the foundation of the world.

You are my child, made in my image.

I have called you by name, you are mine.

As a father has compassion for his child I have compassion for you and I love you as much as a mother intimately loves her child.

I know the number of the hairs on your head, the details of your life, your smile your tears, your hopes and fears. You are precious to me. Your name is written in the palm of my hand. I will never forget you. My love for you isn't based on what you have done or will do for me. I love you for who you are - the you of you.

You don't have to strive or perform for my approval.

My favour rests on you.

You are beloved.

I will never leave you or forsake you.

I will always be with you.

You are mine.

Rest in my love.

Says it all really.

Happiness

A good friend said something very profound to me a while back which I didn't understand at the time but do now.

He said ' Happiness is fleeting but peace is something worth striving for'. I have had times of happiness in my life as well as times of deep sadness. The trick is to hold on to the good times and live every moment 'in the moment' , regretting nothing. How many of us do that though? How sad it is when we attend funerals only to discover so much about that person in the Eulogy we never knew,wishing we HAD known while they were in this life.

So my first message is don't wait for this to happen or that to happen before you do something or life and happiness will surely pass you by. Live for now, love for now, and leave the rest to God.

Well Here goes!

This is the start of a whole new world for me! Finally decided to set up a blog and try to use it to unscramble any random thoughts, feelings, opinions and by doing so help me grow and keep me sane.