worrying

I didn't think of myself as a natural worrier. But a friend of mine said I was this week. I worry about something every day. And it's true.Today I was worrying about my job and how much stress I am under.
I wish I was more laid back about life but I don't think I am that kind of person. Even when I don't think I am worrying , I go to sleep and have a disturbed night so subconsciously I must be still thinking about things and churning them over in my mind.

I long for peace Lord, for some respite in this stressful day to day existence we call life.

Moving on-not

Last friday was my mum's birthday. Well I mean it would have been had she still been alive. It was also the day we agreed on the sale of the house. The buyers agreed a price finally which was acceptable to us and after the reality sunk in, I began furiously looking at houses to buy, as the deadline was Christmas to move out.
On Monday, our buyers pulled out. My world fell apart.
Life is never what you expect. My weekend was a rollercoaster of emotion from fear to acceptance to relief to excitement tinged with sadness.
On Monday my heart sank as I realised nothing had changed. Nothing.
So her I am , still stuck.
Roll on Christmas. Deep joy.

Hope

I read this tonight

'True hope is believing God is good no matter what He decides to do.
I used to think hope was a fluffy, faraway feeling—like cotton candy for your heart. I’ve learned real hope is gritty, real, and raw. It’s strong and wild, unpredictable and fierce.
I’ve had so many conversations with God along the lines of, “Lord, no more with the hope thing. Just answer the prayers please.” He lovingly responds, “Lean into me, daughter, lean into me.”

When I listen and lean rather than resist, I find rest. I have the hope my heart craves. And (dare I say it?) I even discover joy.We tend to think what we need most is whatever we’re asking for in that moment. God knows what we really need is more of Him in every moment.'

HOPE is more than just a word—
it’s a state of being.
It’s a firm belief that
even if you don’t know how,
even if you don’t know when,
God will come through
and better days are ahead.
Life sends rain...
Hope dances in the puddles
until the sun comes out again.

Rain on me by Holly Gerth.

How I wish i could believe what she does. Right now I sense God is shaking his head in despair.

Maybe its because I feel hopeless tonight.

Life

Life before death. That's what Christian Aid say in their adverts whilst fighting poverty. Well ' We believe in life before death' to be exact.

how many of us can say we feel really alive?? That we wake feeling sooooo happy to be on this planet and can't wait to get on with the day. Really Living .
What do we mean when we say we feel good to be alive?? Does it mean our little worlds are full and happy and content. Does it mean we have the partner we want, the ideal friends to socialize with and the perfect family to love us?? Does it mean we have more money than we need, a really interesting, stretching job with fantastic prospects?? Or none of these things??

I am not ready to throw in the towel and stop living. But sometimes, just sometimes, I would love to swap my life for someone elses. I have felt so stressed by my job, my life, my unhappiness lately that all I wanted to do was walk out the door and never look back. But I can't.

I must keep working to earn enough money to be able to leave my sad life and start afresh. I should count my blessings and be grateful that I have a job. That my health is not too bad, and that I have a son who still says' I love you' at 15 years of age.

Living. A smile on my face, the wind in my hair and no stress for a day. One day. One day.

All I really want to do is enjoy living.