I am a duck this week, I have to keep paddling so on the surface everything is calm and smiley.
I am a bit numb if the truth be told. I am trying hard to remain chilled as my house remains unsold and my future is uncertain.
My social life is non existent and my phone has stopped ringing. Its a waiting room time. Sooner or later something will happen. I just don't know what or when.
In the meantime most things major are out of my control so there is I guess little point in worrying. Easier said than done.
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Hobbies
I don't have a hobby.
I don't have a passion for knitting or stamp collecting or gardening or cookery or sewing. I love cars and driving and playing the guitar and singing.
I need to find a hobby. I am going to set myself a challenge to learn something new every year.
I love my church family and being part of a community. But sometimes hanging round with only church folk can be unhealthy. We all need a balance in our life.
I don't have a passion for knitting or stamp collecting or gardening or cookery or sewing. I love cars and driving and playing the guitar and singing.
I need to find a hobby. I am going to set myself a challenge to learn something new every year.
I love my church family and being part of a community. But sometimes hanging round with only church folk can be unhealthy. We all need a balance in our life.
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Little Lamb
Thats what my Dad called me as a child. Odd term of endearment but there you go. At what point or what age do you stop being their 'little lamb'?
I love my dad. He is the only one I have so I don't really have a choice. Sometimes he is thoughtful and kind and sometimes he hasn't got a clue. My dad doesn't understand emotion or feelings. He finds it hard when people cry. How he and my mum got together I will never know - they were so different in so many ways. My dad is logical and factual and opinionated and bigoted and my mum was emotional and arty and sensitive and compassionate and caring and kind.
My problem is my dad still thinks of me as his little lamb.
He doesn't try to understand me or support me . He doesn't 'get' the fact that I am a christian and refuses to come to church, even to set aside his atheist views for one day to come and listen while I sing, refusing to be there for me when I was made an Elder,even though he must have known how much that day meant to me, and how disappointed and sad I was that he didn't come. In fact noone came to support me that day.
All I really want is for my dad to be proud of me. To say 'well done' for something,anything I have done in my 51 years. That would mean so much to me. Much more than money could buy.
As my dad is not one to express feelings, I doubt I will ever hear those words.
As for my child, I am constantly surprised by his determination and have been so proud of him since the day he was born. And I tell him. Regularly.
We cannot choose our parents but we can learn from them. I am happy to express my feelings and to let others know how much they mean to me.
l
I love my dad. He is the only one I have so I don't really have a choice. Sometimes he is thoughtful and kind and sometimes he hasn't got a clue. My dad doesn't understand emotion or feelings. He finds it hard when people cry. How he and my mum got together I will never know - they were so different in so many ways. My dad is logical and factual and opinionated and bigoted and my mum was emotional and arty and sensitive and compassionate and caring and kind.
My problem is my dad still thinks of me as his little lamb.
He doesn't try to understand me or support me . He doesn't 'get' the fact that I am a christian and refuses to come to church, even to set aside his atheist views for one day to come and listen while I sing, refusing to be there for me when I was made an Elder,even though he must have known how much that day meant to me, and how disappointed and sad I was that he didn't come. In fact noone came to support me that day.
All I really want is for my dad to be proud of me. To say 'well done' for something,anything I have done in my 51 years. That would mean so much to me. Much more than money could buy.
As my dad is not one to express feelings, I doubt I will ever hear those words.
As for my child, I am constantly surprised by his determination and have been so proud of him since the day he was born. And I tell him. Regularly.
We cannot choose our parents but we can learn from them. I am happy to express my feelings and to let others know how much they mean to me.
l
Monday, 24 August 2009
Disappointment
HAve you ever been let down by a friend? How does it make you feel? How do you cope with it? I don't. Cope that is. I get this anger in my stomach and I feel all knotted up inside. I feel I have been slapped across the face.
I hate being let down. I hate being messed around. I despise people who make arrangements then break them. I have been let down tonight. Now I feel angry .
I hate being let down. I hate being messed around. I despise people who make arrangements then break them. I have been let down tonight. Now I feel angry .
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Pulling at the heart strings
What makes you cry? Sometimes it can be a sad song or poem, a heart breaking film or tragedy in the news - or just life being too much to cope with.
I think I cry easily. I didn't used to - my sister was the emotional one and she said I was the together one, almost cold. But over time events have happened to me to make me change and become much more emotional, and sometimes too sensitive. My mum leaving me was the first major event. I stayed living with my dad for 2 years until I went up to university. I fell apart and he put me back together then he fell apart, and I was there for him. Many tears were shed in that time.
Then life moved on, I got married. 4 years later my husband left me for a younger model. Well a Scandinavian younger model to be precise and lots of tears were shed then. I guess I became even more insecure. People I love have a habit of leaving me.
When major events happen to you, it can change the person you were. I became mistrustful of men, of relationships. And who could blame me.
I moved on and married again and 2 years later, had my first and only child. That event didn't go according to plan though. I nearly died and so did my son. Many times. What should have been a joyful time was fraught, unbelievably frightening and one I would not wish to go through again. I lived in fear that one day my son would be taken from me. He would leave this world. But amazingly 15 years later he is here - a fighter. He hasn't left me.
My mum has always been what many would call a 'creaking gate' . She had been ill for as long as I remember but was never one to complain. Ever. She had so many illnesses her medical records were huge. She was the bravest woman I have ever met. She was my best friend and I thought she would live forever. I was wrong.
My mum died suddenly in May last year, 8th May 2008 to be precise. My mum left me. The tears returned.
Now my husband and I are splitting up and technically I guess we are leaving each other. It is sad and we need to move on but there have and will be tears along the way. A release I guess. Better than bottling it up.
Life is hard. Maybe it's my turn for some happiness now.Done enough crying.
I think I cry easily. I didn't used to - my sister was the emotional one and she said I was the together one, almost cold. But over time events have happened to me to make me change and become much more emotional, and sometimes too sensitive. My mum leaving me was the first major event. I stayed living with my dad for 2 years until I went up to university. I fell apart and he put me back together then he fell apart, and I was there for him. Many tears were shed in that time.
Then life moved on, I got married. 4 years later my husband left me for a younger model. Well a Scandinavian younger model to be precise and lots of tears were shed then. I guess I became even more insecure. People I love have a habit of leaving me.
When major events happen to you, it can change the person you were. I became mistrustful of men, of relationships. And who could blame me.
I moved on and married again and 2 years later, had my first and only child. That event didn't go according to plan though. I nearly died and so did my son. Many times. What should have been a joyful time was fraught, unbelievably frightening and one I would not wish to go through again. I lived in fear that one day my son would be taken from me. He would leave this world. But amazingly 15 years later he is here - a fighter. He hasn't left me.
My mum has always been what many would call a 'creaking gate' . She had been ill for as long as I remember but was never one to complain. Ever. She had so many illnesses her medical records were huge. She was the bravest woman I have ever met. She was my best friend and I thought she would live forever. I was wrong.
My mum died suddenly in May last year, 8th May 2008 to be precise. My mum left me. The tears returned.
Now my husband and I are splitting up and technically I guess we are leaving each other. It is sad and we need to move on but there have and will be tears along the way. A release I guess. Better than bottling it up.
Life is hard. Maybe it's my turn for some happiness now.Done enough crying.
A mad day
Have you ever had a day when you just don't stop and have time for you? Just for 5 minutes? Yesterday was such a day. I worked in the morning, something I resent on a Saturday but hey it pays the bills, then had to sort out my idle teenage son to check he was out of bed and had had his shower and breakfast. Then we went to buy lunch. I had to go shopping after that for 2 presents, deliver one of them, spend some time with my God children, go home, get changed and go to a party with the other one. The party was overcrowded, I didn't feel like engaging in endless small talk and escaped after only half an hour - noone even noticed I had gone.
So there I was in Mcdonalds car park having a drive through . It was the first time that day I had stopped. I had finally had time for me. My head was in a whirl and I was drained. Shattered.
No wonder I was tired when I fell into bed. Everyone demanding a little bit of me . It was too much.
So there I was in Mcdonalds car park having a drive through . It was the first time that day I had stopped. I had finally had time for me. My head was in a whirl and I was drained. Shattered.
No wonder I was tired when I fell into bed. Everyone demanding a little bit of me . It was too much.
Friday, 21 August 2009
Things I can't live without
Today I left my mobile in my car while it was at the garage being fixed. I felt as if i had forgotten my right arm! I ALWAYS carry my mobile and today there was nothing I could do about getting it back. It felt really strange and I felt bereft, disconnected.
Texts received from friends during the day help me get through the day. They are my lifeline if I am feeling sad, they are encouraging, sometimes caring words that enable me to remember someone is thinking about me.
I did get through the day as I had no choice. But I won't be forgetting my mobile again in a hurry!!
Texts received from friends during the day help me get through the day. They are my lifeline if I am feeling sad, they are encouraging, sometimes caring words that enable me to remember someone is thinking about me.
I did get through the day as I had no choice. But I won't be forgetting my mobile again in a hurry!!
Thursday, 20 August 2009
What makes me smile
I haven't been doing much smiling lately. Quite the opposite really. I even wondered if I would ever smile again the other week, when all I seemed to do was blub.
But in order to feel alive and glad to be on this planet, you need to smile sometimes. It is very hard to ignore a smile when someone is smiling at you. Its infectious - you have to smile back.
It's the little things that make me smile.
While on holiday recently several people were really kind. They suprised me with their kindness. They were complete strangers but were happy to help me. They made me smile on the inside.
A sunny day makes me smile. Someone buying me a present unexpectedlyand surprising me, no matter how little it cost, makes me smile. Hugs make me smile.
Realising I have friends who care about me makes me smile too. Friends who seem to know when to text just at the right moment to remind me they are thinking of me, worrying and caring. Supporting and loving me, just as I am. Walking beside me.
I guess life is too short to be sad all the time.
But in order to feel alive and glad to be on this planet, you need to smile sometimes. It is very hard to ignore a smile when someone is smiling at you. Its infectious - you have to smile back.
It's the little things that make me smile.
While on holiday recently several people were really kind. They suprised me with their kindness. They were complete strangers but were happy to help me. They made me smile on the inside.
A sunny day makes me smile. Someone buying me a present unexpectedlyand surprising me, no matter how little it cost, makes me smile. Hugs make me smile.
Realising I have friends who care about me makes me smile too. Friends who seem to know when to text just at the right moment to remind me they are thinking of me, worrying and caring. Supporting and loving me, just as I am. Walking beside me.
I guess life is too short to be sad all the time.
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
A new abode
I have to move house soon. I have no idea what I will buy or indeed where to look. I just hope I will 'know' when I find the house I should buy.
It's a big decision buying a house. It's not like a car or a holiday or even a new dress. You can't take it back to the shop if you don't like it or it isn't your colour.
Its major.
I am trying to be calm about this whole process, in the belief that the right house will present itself when the time is right. But in the meantime, I will keep looking, discarding, possibly viewing and this will enable me to see what is out there, what is affordable and what I could call my new 'home.'
It's a big decision buying a house. It's not like a car or a holiday or even a new dress. You can't take it back to the shop if you don't like it or it isn't your colour.
Its major.
I am trying to be calm about this whole process, in the belief that the right house will present itself when the time is right. But in the meantime, I will keep looking, discarding, possibly viewing and this will enable me to see what is out there, what is affordable and what I could call my new 'home.'
Monday, 17 August 2009
Self respect
If you don't have self respect you have nothing. I want a job which is rewarding, which I can take pride in, which is satisfying, which enables me to use my brain, my talents and which makes God proud.
I am not 21 and I am under no illusion that I should feel lucky to have a job when so many are out of work. But life is too short to be in a job you hate. Tonight I feel belittled and demotivated. I don't want to be grateful for ANY job so long as it pays the bills. A job that gets me a ticket out of my sad life and into freedom. I am not scum, a piece of dirt under someones shoe. But that's what I feel.
I have so much to give. I want to do something which is worthwhile.
Stupidly, one day, I thought I would be able to make a difference.
Instead I sold my soul.
I am not 21 and I am under no illusion that I should feel lucky to have a job when so many are out of work. But life is too short to be in a job you hate. Tonight I feel belittled and demotivated. I don't want to be grateful for ANY job so long as it pays the bills. A job that gets me a ticket out of my sad life and into freedom. I am not scum, a piece of dirt under someones shoe. But that's what I feel.
I have so much to give. I want to do something which is worthwhile.
Stupidly, one day, I thought I would be able to make a difference.
Instead I sold my soul.
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Permission to bleed
When my son was yonger , if he was ill I would always ask him what number pain was he feeling. He couldn't understand why I couldn't feel his pain.
So we devised a system of 1 to 10. 10 was really bad and 1 was nearly gone. It was a simple way of me working out if his pain was getting worse or better.
I used to want to take pain away from my friends whenever I saw them suffer emotionally. I guess I wanted to fix it so I would be the one in pain and they would be better. But I have learnt that life is not that simple and all I can do is to walk beside them in their pain and show compassion and respect for that person. This leaves me feeling helpless and useless and frustrated as I am a doer and want to DO more for that person. But the pain is theirs not mine and so it is not mine to take or bear.
So it is for me as I journey on over the next few months. No one can bear my pain or live my story as its mine to bear and live through.
You let me bleed when I need to , cry when I need to and howl when I need to. You give me permission and provide a safe space . You do not make me unhappy. You enable me to heal myself. Walk with me , be with me, as I find myself again.
So we devised a system of 1 to 10. 10 was really bad and 1 was nearly gone. It was a simple way of me working out if his pain was getting worse or better.
I used to want to take pain away from my friends whenever I saw them suffer emotionally. I guess I wanted to fix it so I would be the one in pain and they would be better. But I have learnt that life is not that simple and all I can do is to walk beside them in their pain and show compassion and respect for that person. This leaves me feeling helpless and useless and frustrated as I am a doer and want to DO more for that person. But the pain is theirs not mine and so it is not mine to take or bear.
So it is for me as I journey on over the next few months. No one can bear my pain or live my story as its mine to bear and live through.
You let me bleed when I need to , cry when I need to and howl when I need to. You give me permission and provide a safe space . You do not make me unhappy. You enable me to heal myself. Walk with me , be with me, as I find myself again.
Reality
So tomorrow is fast approaching. Time to step back into my real life - job, selling the house, moving on.After all, all good things come to an end.
A good friend asked me if I was ready to go back to work. The truth? I have loved not being at work. I have loved time to chill and catch up with friends but I know i need a job to pay the bills. So tomorrow I will return to the merry go round of selling and await news of my next branch, wherever that will be.
What have I learnt while I have had time out of work? To take each day as it comes, to try not to get too stressed about everything, including the house sale and to accept that most things are outside of our control so there is no point in worrying. To trust in God more.
Above all, to savour every moment of being with friends. Laugh often, dance well, take time to heal.Walk in the woods, enjoy the breeze on your face and the sun on your back. Feel alive.
A good friend asked me if I was ready to go back to work. The truth? I have loved not being at work. I have loved time to chill and catch up with friends but I know i need a job to pay the bills. So tomorrow I will return to the merry go round of selling and await news of my next branch, wherever that will be.
What have I learnt while I have had time out of work? To take each day as it comes, to try not to get too stressed about everything, including the house sale and to accept that most things are outside of our control so there is no point in worrying. To trust in God more.
Above all, to savour every moment of being with friends. Laugh often, dance well, take time to heal.Walk in the woods, enjoy the breeze on your face and the sun on your back. Feel alive.
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Holidays
Well i survived!! The holiday experience as a single parent was really good! Apart from the odd problem we got through a lovely week together in sunny Corfu. Just George and I.
Ok so we left his hat on the plane on the way there and nearly lost his brace and my REALLY expensive reading glasses but we lived to tell the tale. We hired a car for 3 days and I remembered rather after the event that Greece has bad roads and terrible drivers- but all exciting fun.
It was HOT - 42 on day one and 37 on day 7 but we were careful and found shady places to sit under the trees in the garden of the hotel, chilling together . reading books and chatting.Wonderful.
Ok so we left his hat on the plane on the way there and nearly lost his brace and my REALLY expensive reading glasses but we lived to tell the tale. We hired a car for 3 days and I remembered rather after the event that Greece has bad roads and terrible drivers- but all exciting fun.
It was HOT - 42 on day one and 37 on day 7 but we were careful and found shady places to sit under the trees in the garden of the hotel, chilling together . reading books and chatting.Wonderful.
Saturday, 1 August 2009
Me
Well i should be in bed. Getting ready for the next 48 hours when I have to get up at some ridiculous time in the morning to catch a plane to my first holiday alone. I say alone, just me and my son .
Exciting!! All the sun and sand and sea and .............soooooooooooooo scary.
Got to be done. All these first experiences. Just me. The only responsible adult going. Good.
Lets hope I live up to the challenge. (Travel insurance checked and double checked just in case)
How I wish it was a holiday for 3.
Exciting!! All the sun and sand and sea and .............soooooooooooooo scary.
Got to be done. All these first experiences. Just me. The only responsible adult going. Good.
Lets hope I live up to the challenge. (Travel insurance checked and double checked just in case)
How I wish it was a holiday for 3.
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