miss you

I miss my mum. Sometimes I go for a week before I remember she is no longer with me. Sometimes I am happy and want to share it with her and go to ring and then........I remember she is dead.

Its weird . Its a pain I have never had before. When she first died the pain was there all the time. Unbearable pain. But now its more of a dull pain which I carry with me everywhere and will never leave me.

My mum made me laugh even when I felt really sad. She was so funny and so caring. She was elegant and sylish and unique. Other mums go all old fashioned and mumsy but she never did.
Admitedly in the end she began to lose her marbles , wearing the same clothes and forgetting things like how to make a cup of tea or what day it was. She would look at me in a puzzled way, desperately searching my face for the answer to something she had forgotten. But then she would amaze me by coming out with a gem. Like the last time I took her for a hospital appointment and she said'nature abhors a vacuum'.
She would recite poetry and recall stories from years ago - clear as a bell. But yet couldn't remember buying a jacket in Marks and Spencers then 5 minutes later seeing the same jacket and saying' thats a nice jacket' shall I buy it?

I try to remember my mum before she got ill. Before she started to forget things. Her body was beginning to give out but her mind was still sharp .
We never like to think of our parents as anything but well. We cannot prepare for them getting ill , getting old or even dying. We all want them to live forever.

It was so sad when my mum died and it was so suddden. Her body had given up and she had had enough of hospitals and illness and growing old. She would say never grow old its horrid.

I love you Mum. I hope you are smelling the roses, wherever you are, free at last of pain and suffering.


You are the best.

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